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Oh man, I don’t even know where to start. I promised myself I wouldn’t see G.I. Joe but I had a free movie ticket so I figured why not. My three favorite things growing up were Power Rangers, Transformers, and G.I. Joe, in that order. I watched Transformers go down in flames earlier this summer when I saw Revenge of the Fallen, I was terrified that the same thing would happen with G.I. Joe. Then I saw the first preview which confirmed my fears. Then I actually saw the movie and realized that my fears didn’t even come close to how bad the movie actually was.

I guess we’ll start with the story. It’s okay. The word that springs into my mind is generic. A terrorist has a dangerous bio-weapon and he wants to use it to take down the worlds governments and take over the world and rule over it himself. How groundbreaking.

On to the acting. Channing Tatum was annoying. Marlon Wayans was annoying. That’s not good since they are both the main characters. Dennis Quaid did a good job playing General Hawk. Ray Park was awesome as Snake Eyes though I can’t say I was surprised, Ray Park is always awesome, even in Star Wars episode I which will forever be on my worst movies list. Snake Eyes was the only redeeming part of the movie for me. Snake Eyes was every bit as awesome as he was in the cartoon and his costume was great. It’s like the creators decided that after they got one character perfect that was enough to satisfy the fans and they could move on to making the movie they wanted to make. The rest of the characters costumes weren’t so great, instead of having the unique costumes that the characters were known for the creators instead opted to go with the generic semi-futuristic action hero look. Speaking of generic semi-futuristic crap, accelerator suits. What!? Possibly the most useless part of an incredibly useless movie.

Oh, and Hollywood, stop giving away major plot points in trailers please. It’s really hard for me to wonder whether or not the good guys are going to stop the biological weapon from destroying the Eiffel Tower when I’ve seen the Eiffel Tower being destroyed in the trailer for months. And no, this doesn’t happen at the beginning of the movie, it happens about an hour and a half in, and it’s a huge 30 minute ordeal. I couldn’t get excited about it, it didn’t suck me in since I already knew what was going to happen. Way to ruin that one.

A huge pet-peeve of mine is when the “good guys” kill hundreds of innocent civilians trying to stop the “bad guys” who are trying to kill hundreds of innocent civilians. I feel like after you’ve caused millions of dollars in property damage and killed hundreds of innocent bystanders, you have lost your “good guy” standing and can now be considered just as bad as the “bad guys” you’re trying to stop. Maybe that’s just me.

G.I. Joe was so unique, the characters were awesome, they had specialties, they had unique costumes, they had unique personalities. There was nothing unique about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Even if this wasn’t a G.I. Joe film, I still would have hated it and found it generic and boring so don’t use the “Stop being a fanboy and see the movie as just that, a movie” argument that people love to pull out. This is a bad film regardless of whether or not it completely ignored the source material.

So now you know that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not worth seeing, and knowing is half the battle.

Overall Rating: 1.5/10

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